from the Bed
I was told I have an energy limiting disorder and an autonomic nervous system disorder—basically my fight or flight response never turns off and hasn’t since I was 19, maybe even before then. Did you know your nervous system is responsible for eating, breathing, resting, and digesting? Yeah mine doesn’t work so instead it’s always ducking, dodging, fighting, freezing, and fleeing.
These systems steal your energy. Your energy is your life force. It steals it while also scraping away at the bits of your psyche left, without any remediation. Fuck all of these systems.
Where the fuck do we go for peace? I have looked people straight in the eyes all my life while being called slurs and being told my life didn’t matter, but I didn’t care because I wasn’t dependent on them for my livelihood. At the peak of my medical travesty—as I am continuously grasping onto life that is not a life and a life that is not promised for the next hour—I am being told by twenty doctors that my life really DOESN’T matter. So who is gonna save me when I cannot save myself anymore?
Funny that we can keep records and records on families but doctors still fail to diagnose a very simple nervous system disorder for over twelve years.
I have only found encouragement from other disabled people who find new ways to support without extraction and without expectation beyond reciprocation. It’s because we know we are always in a time of need. Always. And this is where we have got it wrong in society. We expect people to have needs for a week max and that the support systems will save us otherwise. Non-disabled community has opted out of community for capitalism’s sake.
What do you say to someone with no community to rely on?
Where is home when we can- not feel safe in our own flesh and bones? When we can feel poison in our bodies, but no one else can? When the world needs to “see” to believe but then fails to look at you? Where can we feel safe in our own bodies? White people made “brave spaces” and “safe spaces” all to keep opting into the same harmful shit that kills us. Fuck you.
People don’t know what to do with human suffering so they ignore it. Even those who are supposed to be doing that “good” work. How do you scream “this is what community looks like” while unmasked, spewing COVID venom all over your comrades, potentially causing them permanent disability? Y’all can have that.
Legacies of eugenics. Hospitals filled with police on top of stolen land. Doctors saying, “Your labs look okay.” These fuel my nightmares. My body is a source of labor and relational extraction. My body wants healing. Chasm.
I’m seeing a therapist now. My
trauma comes from every source
like how light refracts. My triggers
at this point include existing. Now I
have to slowly undo the chains that
are tying me down for a rate of $150
a month on Talkspace.